Friday, December 5, 2014

things he didn't do.


there was one time that i was busy with ainur and asked hubby to pack our clothes. we were going back to hometown for few days.

later on hubby came to me and volunteer to take over ainur, because he can't find what to pack for me.

"we're married for a year and you don't know what i wear?" i asked. and he made his cute innocent face saying "no," took ainur, and ran away.

so one morning while ironing his clothes, I asked him my cloth size and jeans size. he answered wrong on the jeans and gave a safe answer for my shirt - whenever a woman ask you what size is her shirt, always answer an S. and a hug from the back will always get yourself forgiven.

i realized that whenever i was mad, i kept pointing on the things he didn't do. like, not throwing out the garbage, not throwing away the leftovers and leave them on the table, not washing the dishes, not putting the socks in the rags and when i forgot to wash them, we'll go for an adventure on a Treasure Island, trying to find a pair of clean socks on a Monday morning.

and i kept getting in a bad mood every morning trying to settle things up while waiting for him to wake up. like, changing ainur's diapers, feeding her, making her puree, ironing his clothes, getting myself ready which always ends up wearing any shirt i could find, yesterday's unwashed jeans and scarf. and while i looked worse and worse everyday until my colleagues started to ask what happened to me (at least 3 people would ask every week), and making me feel bad for not shaping up and looks good for my husband, keep asking what my slim manager eats to maintain he shape after 3 babies, trying to drink more green tea and detox as my fit colleagues do, yet at the end of the day i would go home tired and sleepy and keep delaying to clean the house.

and when i gets too stressed i would always point to the things he didn't do, and forgets all the things he did.

he loves me. that's the best thing he has ever done. i'm talking about my first crush, ever. i had looked at him every day in every classes, in every activities, for two years. there was one time he was sent home for two weeks for smoking in school, and i lost my energy going to classes. i do remember how happy i felt when he came back. even my girlfriends noticed it. all the girls in my class and half of the girls in the batch knew i like him. i've never missed giving him chocolates or cakes during dedication projects, and despite i knew he has someone he liked for a long time at his hometown, and despite my best friend told me to forget him, i told her, he can love a girl for so long and waiting for only that girl. that's the kind of guy he is. and i'm very successful in finding that kind of guy to like. well, even though he has never noticed me. wahahahaha...!

and that was like, 12 years ago. when i was naive and have never been broken hearted and never loved any guys. he was the first that i have any interest in for a long time. and when i had few broken hearts afterwards, trying to find what I wanted to do in life, God sends him at the right time.

sometimes when he's driving or sleeping, i'll stare at him and wonder what good have i done to deserve him.

he has never ridiculed my dreams. i want to be a cartoonist. i want to draw a children book. i have a love story in mind to illustrate. that i wish one day would be made into a series. not that kind of love story in TV3 or the ones you read in novels. i kept wondering what those kind of stories teach us. i want to make a story about achieving your dreams, about doing what you like, or enjoy your job despite you hating it, about how girls' minds are not as complicated as they always say, and how boys' are not as simple as they always mention. something that leaves a footprint, just like how ghibli's movies always do. he has never ridiculed my ideas, despite i had done nothing on them. sometimes he would smirk when i told him my plans, the kind of sarcastic smirk that i could stand and forget about it later. because you know, in the end he'll be the one supporting me through all things.

he appreciates and gives feedback even for something i'm unsure could be achieved one day. i want to open a cafe with the pending coffee concept. maybe not coffee, pending sandwich or pending nasi lemak would be better and cheaper. he said that malaysian can't be trusted with it. our ethics are not at that level. well, someone has to start somewhere, we'll educate the community as time goes. and there are a lot of good people in this world.

he supports me through my struggle, whenever i broke down or gave up, he's always there to help me finish it. he wouldn't sleep to help me with my insignificant little business, he encourages me and helps me look for suppliers and vendors, and all the tools that would make my process easier. he'll leave his passion taking the photos if i have lots of orders, helping me taking care of our little girl and finishing my stuff.

despite i think he hasn't done enough, or haven't tried hard enough, he had never told me what i didn't do. whenever i apologize for not cooking or cleaning, or sleeping too early leaving him with our baby, he would always tell me what i've done for him and ask me not to bother about the rest.

whenever i wanted a beautiful, expensive dress, or shawl, or bags, or complaining on my worn sandals. he'll just let me go ahead to buy them, or simply ignore me; because he knows that i'll let it go anyway and even if i bought them, those expensive stuff will be thrown somewhere where i forgot that i even had them.

he's the guy who would never say i looked bad no matter how bad i looked.

he's the one who wakes up in the middle of the night to feed the baby, he doesn't mind sleeping with the lights on because i'm afraid of the dark. he'll make sure he wouldn't get sick because if i catch the cold or fever from him, i'll take too long for me to recover due to my allergies.

he's the one charging my phone and put it in the bag, because i've never bothered to do so.

whenever i have commissions or orders, he'll encourage me to take them, always complimenting my works.

he's the one, from the moment we met (again), never let me feel lonely at all.

***

i have a chat with a friend, how peers sometimes influence who we are and what we want. for example, buying an expensive handbag to show that we have money and use branded stuff, or spending so much on car and houses and gadgets.

i've never interested in branded stuff or luxury cars or big houses, though i'll spend on expensive handmade stuff that i like, that other people say not worth it. well, the value is fully determined by you yourself. nobody could price your sentimental value or memory, or your interest, or your style.

i'll go for the cheapest car i could get, while big houses scares me. i'll go for a small cozy home, where i could cook while looking at my husband watching the tv. and have a studio of our home. where we can finally arrange our displays. setting up a proper photography setting, having a clean and neat workstation to draw and make some crafts.

i read somewhere, women love to display their happiness. take that away from you, what are you? take away husband, kids, your degree, job, home, and all those that you display all the time. what are you?

i can't imagine that, because i have already a picture of us together in our own home printed in my mind. yet the only thing i couldn't see in the photo is me as an engineer. more towards a housewife who raise our kids, clean, cook, and draw all the time. lol.


december 2014.